Ego or self-respect?

All these novels or books you read about relationships, describe this phase of relationships so often when one or the other partner feels that they are living with a complete stranger.

Reading it was one thing but living that fact can be something else. It's choking. Every moment you spend with your partner alone in a room, you feel you need some breathing space. You want to dash out but being in a crowd doesn't help either.

Presence of your loved ones around you doesn't make you feel any better and then you know things are definitely wrong. You put on a mask to make them believe that things are alright because on this one occasion, contrary to common belief, sharing your sorrow won't reduce it but only increase it as you can't see your loved ones being worried about you. It's better to bear the burden of that fake smile rather than the pain which will be caused by seeing them sad for you.

But in that daunting loneliness of your room, your self respect is stronger than your need for that smile. But mind debates long on differentiating self-respect with ego.

I have been through this battle once and then I had made a rule for myself. When my self-respect becomes a hurdle in happiness of my loved ones, its not self-respect any more. It's slowly taking the evil form of ego and before it spoils those relationships which I have nurtured so carefully, it should be crushed.

But who said living by rules was easy. But then that's the way of living. So I shall live by my rule even if it puts tremendous strain on my soul.

Keep smiling!!

Keep smiling!!
Two simple words but I wish it was equally simple to live these words.

How often have you written these two words on someone's greeting card? At least I have many a times. And I have had it on my cards even more.

A smile on your face can sometimes brighten up the faces of your loved ones. And sometime it can deceive you by pouring out all the pain of your heart which you were trying to hide behind it. And sometimes its the world to you when it spreads on the lips of your loved one. And sometimes its a burden when you have to bear it just to keep your sorrows from spilling out in front of others.

I never thought a smile could mean so much. Until recently I used to think that it was just an expression of joy because how can even one think of smiling when one was troubled inside. I remember myself telling people that I can't fake a smile when I am upset. If I'll be sad, it'll show. Take it or leave. That was me. Honest to my feelings on outside as inside.

But that seems to be a thing of past now. As I have said umpteen number of times in this blog, with changing surroundings lot of things change in us as well. And one thing that has changed in me, I don't know if it's for good or bad: Now I can fake a smile.

Joy of writing

Apparently this blog is turning more into a diary entry but I guess it's ok. I never intended to have too many readers of this blog. The idea was to get closer to myself and I think I am achieving exactly that by the means of this blog. Writing can have such a soothing effect at times!!


Things don't always work out the way we want them to. But if they do most of the times, then I think we can say that life has been fair to us. Let me take example of my writing. I tend to write when I feel something churning inside me and I can't discuss it with someone in particular. Then I discuss it with myself by the means of writing. And I have had 6 blog posts in last 20 days. So on 6 occasions in last 20 days I felt that there was no one there for me to share my feelings and had to vent my feelings on this blog. But I'll still call myself lucky as majority of the time I didn't feel that desolated.

As David Hare said, "The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe." I always believed in joy of writing. So much so that on my first valentine's day after marriage, I gifted my husband a diary. He used to write one sometime back but had given it up for some time now. I gifted him that diary as a reminder of that feeling of content he used to achieve to have expressed himself.

It can be as simple as writing a blog or writing a diary entry or scribbling a few thoughts on the last page of your physics register( I did that a lot in my college days), writing brings you closer to yourself.

So I think life has been quite fair to me. Even when it distanced me from my near ones, it gave me a chance to come closer to my innerself by means of writing.

Tu aayegi to party apne aap ho jaayegi..

I started writing this post on 6th May but couldn't complete it and it was lying in my drafts and I thought of completing on weekend. Today as I complete this I realize that it's a sweet coincidence that it comes on the eve of Mother's Day.


We all love our mom. So do I. But I won't say I am the most ideal daughter ever who never ever defies her mom or never puts up a fight with her. It's all a part and parcel of this sweet relationship. So I do have my share of ups and downs with her and those occasional disagreements. But those are occasional and also very short lived. And whenever something of that sort happen, I end up feeling guilty to have fought with her and then I try to make up for it with all the sweet talk and maska polish.

What's so sweet about her is that she forgets it almost instantaneously. It's like she knows that kids are like that or may be she knows that I actually didn't mean it. Whatever it be the fact is that she is the sweetest.

It was my parent's anniversary on 5th of this month and I was hoping if we could have a nice family get together. But that was a very faint hope knowing how simple my parents are and parties for them are mostly associated with celebrating something for their kids. I wouldn't have been surprised if they didn't even remember that it was their anniversary, unless reminded by someone else.

So I took the initiative and called my mom up a day before and asked her what are the plans for the day. And as I expected, she told me none whatsoever. But I was not to give up so easily. So I said won't you guys have a party. May be a small family dinner only. Or may be papa and you can go out. And she said why don't you come over. Tu aayegi to party apne aap ho jaayegi.
That little statement was so full of motherly love and affection. I knew she didn't say it for the sake of saying it and how much she meant it. To her a short visit by her daughter was more a reason of celebration than her own wedding anniversary. Are all mothers like that? I don't know but my mom certainly is.

This feeling of selfless love and compassion for kids, may be I won't understand till I become a mother myself. What I know today is that I am really gifted to have a mom like her.

A box of happiness

I know some readers of the blog will call me stereotyped after reading this post(though I know I am the only reader so far :P ), but this one post had to make it to my blog because I think when you have been talking or blogging about some concept and then you have a living example of that, it shouldn't miss being a post on the same blog.

Our room(our here refers to me and my husband) has a small 2X2 washing area which was hidden from the rest of the room with the help of a full length curtain and was used to hide the clutters of wireless router and model and extension cord and so on. But now when we had to get the AC fitted in our room, our only option was to use the window overlooking the washing area and hence that curtain had to be removed, revealing all the mess behind it. That mesh of wires was an eye sore for me and my husband and we decided to get rid of it(that mess, not the internet, else I couldn't be writing this post right now).

That little problem at hand posed a challenge to our creativity and we got down to discussing various solutions for it. In then there was a sudden spark of creativity and we thought why not make a black-box for it(pardon my for occasional technical lingo), and put all these gadgets inside that and just leave a little hole for the wires so they can be connected to the switch board fitted in the wall. And there we go..

It was added as an AI(action item) on our list for our weekend jobs and then when that lazy Saturday afternoon arrived, surprisingly none of us showed any laziness in starting of this task. Swiftly a number of shoe boxes were procured and my husband did a careful analysis of their size and strength and then a box appropriate for the job was chosen. After an hour of debate on how to decorate it, we finally settled on using one of my less liked, old greeting card. My husband quickly went and bought a chart paper to match the color scheme of the card( let me not write about that long argument on which color would suit the best) and we started off at that box with our tools- a pair of scissor, glue stick, chart paper and an old greeting card.
And suddenly I was back in my childhood days in my ECS classes where we would learn making paper cups, wall hangings using ice cream sticks and what not. Those little exercise trying to teach kids importance of utilizing waste material and also finding that hint of creativity in them. When was it last that I made something of this sort on my own? I don't even remember. But I knew one thing. I was loving it.

The box was done, the gadgets were arranged, few snaps were clicked to preserve memories of our first creation together.. But what was most important was there was a feeling of joy in me. Was it because of spending some nice time with my husband? Was it coz of doing something creative? Was it to see that beautiful box replace the clutter of wires in my room? I don't know yet. What I know is that little box was a bundle of happiness for me.

Today I know going out for a movie or a disc wouldn't bring me the same joy as spending those moments of creativity with my husband did. That box will always be in my room. I now call it "box of happiness". Because it reminds me that happiness is not going on a shopping spree and spending loads of money buying expensive stuff to decorate the house you don't spend much time in. It's about being with people you love and doing things you like which could be as simple as covering a box with a chart paper.

Party next time

I received my first ever promotion in my career. Though it's not unusual for a person of my experience to reach this designation, still it means a lot to me. However due to current market conditions, there were no salary hikes this year. But still I was pretty excited because I treat this as a recognition of my effort and my hard work. When I shared this news with a relative, I was congratulated(as expected) but then against my expectation, he didn't ask me for any party. So I took the initiative and said that don't you want a party. And he replied, "Party next time. When you get a salary hike..".

That statement churned something inside me. For little kids in school, a small star in the home work copy by class teacher mean so much. Some little words of appreciation or a simple "very good" in the report card can brighten up the face of a kid. I still have one of my answer sheets from college where my favorite professor had remarked, "It's a pleasure reading your answers". I felt so proud when he handed it to me in the class and said,"May be we all can take answer-writing training from Tulika". I still treasure it like any other gold medal or certificate I have ever received.

These simple gestures of recognition can bring joy to a nursery kid but why we, the grown-ups, forget to appreciate this? Why do we seek monetary incentives for everything we do? Why do we think that the only way someone can appreciate our work is by rewarding us financially for it?

Time Flies...

As I mentioned in my first post that this blog is not about college days or old memories but changing surroundings and keeping yourself "alive" in different circumstances. I am reiterating my basic funda of this blog to clear any doubts arising out of the name of this post.

I had my yearly one on one meeting with my manager yesterday and there I reminded him, tomorrow i.e. 23rd April'09, I complete two years with this company and he said, "Time Flies.."
It indeed does. Two years ago I was a fresher from college and single and now I am married and promoted to next level in my organization. A lot of things changed since then which affected my career and my personal life. But what hasn't changed in me is that craving to explore further and fully utilize my potential.

Till few months back I used to think that in this world where most of the people are unhappy with their surroundings, being content is the biggest bliss. I still think the same. But my understanding of being content has changed. I am content with whatever I have right now but that should not stop me for aspiring higher. And as I said in my description of this blog, I need to reconnect to my innerself. And for me that means exploring my potential further. It's not only in terms of career. But in other aspects of life which may be creative or personal or social.

I have come to realize that when I am giving due attention to work, I also need to give some time for myself where I do things that I enjoy and which gives me a kind of satisfaction which doesn't have any monetary aspect to it. Just pure joy ....

And there I go. The first thing was to go back to writing and I decided to start this blog. I hope some years from now, when I will read the old posts from this blog, I'll say, "Time Flies..."